Friendships

"There are no strangers here, only friends you have not met yet"

Yesterday, I spent the day celebrating 20 years of friendship with my best friend. Over that twenty years we have experienced it all. We have laughed together (a lot!), we have cried together, and we have created a lifetime of memories.

Not all of my friendships have been like this. I used to get really upset or feel incredibly guilty when the dynamic in a friendship changed. I used to look for all the reasons why things were suddenly different, and I used to blame myself.

Somebody once told me that there are three reasons for a friendship…

• ·      Sometimes someone comes into your life for a very specific reason

• ·      Sometimes they come into your life for a particular phase of your life (or a season)

• ·      Sometimes they are your ‘ride or die’ soul sisters that are with you for a lifetime.

Not all friendships are equal and nor are they meant to be, but they all gift you something.

Friendship is often a topic that emerges in the coaching I do with women. They will talk to me about the fact they have noticed that their friendships have changed or are changing, and they are concerned about it. They talk to me about the fact their friendship circle seems to be getting smaller as they get older, and they are worried about it. I always bring them back to the three reasons above and we explore the emotions this evolution is bringing up for them.

I have had to navigate this transition too and realising that not all friendships will be your ‘lifers’ but they are all gifts in their own way, creates so much peace. It doesn’t mean that you or the other person has done anything wrong, it just means there has been growth, and the friendship has altered. As we get older, we do change and so do our friends. What once connected you really deeply, might not connect you in the same way and that is ok.

I noticed this in my own life.

Twenty years ago, I attended a weekend personal development course at a hotel. I walked into the room and picked a seat. Shortly after, a tall, confident woman walked into the room and sat near me. We started to chat. This woman was Jane, and we have been best friends ever since. Over the course of the weekend, we discovered we had so much in common and over the next few months we became really close.

Jane and I have been through it all together. We have laughed until we have had tears running down our faces and we have been there for each other through more challenging times. We have been friends when we have lived close to each other, and we have been friends when we have lived miles from each other. We have been friends through silliness and sadness. There is an undeniable bond that will never be broken. She is a lifetime friend.

I have also had friends that have come into my life to share a season with me. They made that season of my life fabulous and the fact that we might not still be as close or in the same amount of contact doesn’t matter. In that ‘season’ we were there for each other and we created beautiful memories that I will treasure for ever.

In my experience, the ‘seasonal’ friendships are the ones that are meant to evolve. As one season ends, a new season begins. Just as in nature, Summer gives way to Autumn. If the summer trees were not willing to change the colour of their leaves, we would not have the magnificence of the autumn colours.

I have come to appreciate this so much. Sometimes when a friendship has reached its natural conclusion, it is the right thing to do to let it go. It does not have to be dramatic; it rarely is. It is just a noticing of a gentle shift. Not seeing each other so much. Life circumstances changing, distance that can’t be bridged anymore. It doesn’t mean that if you were to see that person again, it would be awkward. It just means that something has changed. When you let it go with grace, it often creates space for a new season of friendship to begin for you both.

Finally, there are the ‘reason’ friendships. The people that came into your life and just the right moment but were never meant to be there forever.

I felt this the most during my early forties when Rob and I were dealing with infertility. I became connected to a group of women who were all forty and trying to conceive. We were a fabulous group of strangers who came together and bonded. We never even met, we just connected over social media and were part of a closed group. During our time together, we supported each other deeply. We all understood the struggles of each other and could be deeply empathetic. We celebrated like crazy when one of the group found they had been successful and were going to have a baby. We supported each other through the challenges.

This group of women who I never met, arranged an online ‘hen party’ for me the night before my wedding. We were from all over the world, and they were there with me, chatting online hours before I got married no matter the time difference. In that moment, those friendships were important, and I still cherish the memory of my online hen party. I also knew when it was my turn to leave the group behind because their dream could no longer be my dream. They had been my friends for a reason.

When you think about your friendships, I am sure you will recognise those friends that have been there for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Every single of those friendships has mattered no matter the duration.

I have season friends I spend a lot of time with, and I have lifetime friends that I get to see once every 18 months. They all matter to me AND I can be ok with the fact that they are in my life for different reasons. They might not always be there, and they might not have always been there.

It is all ok and I am grateful for them all.

My life is richer for every woman I have had the gift to call a friend no matter how long they stayed.